It’s time once again to look into the vault of Racist games that haunts our dreams every night. With the Holiday season in full bloom, perhaps you’ll find the right racist game for the racist in your life!
Today’s installment: Spanish For Everyone (DS, 2007)
From the looks of it “Spanish For You” looks like a harmless educational DS title that will teach your kids Spanish. I’m sure that’s what the developers of this title intended it to be, but the result is anything but. Let’s start with the game’s story.
The game starts with you taking the role of a boy named Shawn. He’s a seemingly normal kid, playing his DS outside on a nice day (That kid is playing a DS Phat outside during the day? He must not enjoy seeing the screen! AMIRITE!?….Lets move on). The plot starts rolling when Miguel, a random kid who Shawn seemingly doesn’t know, ask to play Shawn’s DS in Spanglish. What proceeds will sound completely made up, but keep with me: it’s not. Miguel’s father rolls up in Limo and insists that Miguel comes with him, which he does. In the moment Miguel forgets to give Shawn his DS back and as the Limo squeals off Shawn begins to panic. The plot thickens when two cop cars chase after Miguel’s father’s limo. A few minutes later, Shawn’s aunt, who he seems to barely know, arrives and ask you if you’d like to follow them to Mexico to get your DS back. She can “teach you many things, including Spanish”.
Rule of S4E # 1: When a strange older woman ask you to go to a foreign land to retrieve a device worth less than 150 dollars, you go without asking your parent permission.
Okay, so at this point the game just has a questionable premise to take the game’s character to Mexico to teach the player Spanish. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there. Upon arriving to Tijuana, Shawn’s aunt abandons him on a truck with a talking bull. The Bull, the strangest character in the game, believes Shawn to be some sort of Messiah. He agrees to teach you Spanish, as it’s obviously a animalistic language that even animals know.
Rule of S4E #2: Abandoning kids in the backs of pick-up-trucks with dangerous animals is an okay thing to do in Mexico.
After traveling in this questionable pick-up-truck, Shawn arrives in a town that looks completely abandoned. A man, who is apparently his uncle, is the only one to be found in this town. This is where the game get’s even more racist. Shawn’s uncle, who looks like a pedophile, tells you that he’s an exporter to the United States and that he is seeking a wealthy man for some unfinished business. The wealthy man turns out to be Miguel’s father, as he is the only man in Mexico to be able to afford a limo. He tells you that the town is dangerous a night and that you’ll need to get in his jeep to avoid getting attacked. What the hell is going on.
Rule of S4E #3: If you’re wandering the streets of a dangerous Mexican town alone, as you will obviously find yourself doing, get in the Jeep of the shady man claiming to be your uncle. He’ll protect you with “adult words” if your Jeep gets attacked.
Just to clarify. At this point, the developers of this game, are obviously insinuating that Shawn’s uncle and Miguel’s Father are mixed up in the drug trade. Their view of Mexico up until this part in the game are the following: Deserting Family members who may or may not be a pedophile, overly religious cows that are as intelligent as the other Mexican natives you’ve encountered, and drug cartels.
THIS IS LOCO! (I learned that word from the game!)
Now we’ve reached the conclusion of our strange journey. Shawn finally reaches the house of Miguel’s father. After your uncle tells you that he’s going to hold back until you leave, you go and knock on the door to find the swindler Miguel holding your DS. Fortunately he feels bad and he gives you back your DS and also gives you a plane ticket to your next adventure: France. The final scene shows multiple cars coming up to Miguel’s house as you walk away with your DS, eluding to the fact that shit is about to go down at Miguel’s house.
Let’s step back and look at what we just witnessed. This seemingly educational game relies on nothing but horrible stereotypes of Mexicans while it progresses you through meaningless mini games aimed at teaching you Spanish words, not proper Spanish speaking. At no point in the game do you learn any conjugation or difference between masculine and feminine nouns. Worse even is that the game features numerous mistakes in both Spanish and English, making some parts of the game virtually unplayable. All in all, the game is racist, terrible, and horrendous to look at; what more can you ask for the holiday list for the racist in your life?
This is one of the instances in which I recommend emulation. If you want to check this terrible title out, please emulate and do not give money to the developers or Activision for publishing this horrendous game. To my knowledge, “French for Everyone” has never been made, and I sincerely hope it never does.